I promise, promise, promise to be better about posting once things calm down a bit. Between moving and having company (yay!), there hasn't been much time. However, I always have posts going on in my head so don't feel completely forsaken. It's really just a matter of sitting down and writing them. I have had several posts in the works so now I just have catching up to do.
An idea that popped into my head was sharing with you a...ahem..."hypothetical" clinic. This " hypothetical" place is like living through an episode of Seinfeld. Everyone is neurotic and quite frankly just a little crazy. To begin with, there is
Nurse X
Nurse X has been a nurse for 40 some odd years, a fact which she reminds everyone almost every single day. She is, first and foremost, LOUD. If you are in the mere vicinity of her, she can be heard above all else. Nurse X has this habit of repeating herself. Over and over and over and over. Somewhere in her 40 years of being a nurse, she must have forgotten exactly what it is that nurses do because she does - to be blunt - absolutely nothing. She has had many a picture taken of her sleeping in the nurses station, and if she is asked to do anything beyond that by any of the residents, someone gets an earful. There are so many things I could tell you about her, but one of her most prominent (and most excrutiatingly embarrassing) habits that she has is to say things that are entirely politically incorrect. Example: When a patient comes into the clinic that is in a wheelchair, she will write in bright orange pencil "PLEASE SEE PATIENT. PATIENT IN WHEELCHAIR." This is not so bad, but she extrapolates this to patient's with special needs. In bright orange pencil/crayon, "PLEASE SEE PATIENT. PATIENT IS A RETARD." Then she will come into the resident room and loudly (of course) say "Doctors, you need to see this patient. He's a retard, and he's going to act out." This is not a joke. If anyone reprimands her in any way, they will get an earful of threats from calling the union to calling the mayor to calling Obama. She has several nicknames amongst the other staff including Devil Lady, Dragon Woman, and some that I cannot put into this blog.
Nurse Y
Nurse Y is extremely talented. Oh yes. Very, very talented. What is her talent, you may ask? She has a unique ability to walk into a patient room when the resdient has JUST finished and ask if she can help. How she is able to do this, I am not sure. She also likes to ask questions that are impossible to answer. Examples: "Doctor, how many patients do you think will show up today?" Not sure. "Doctor, is the other doctor done with his procedure in the other room?" Couldn't tell you. Etcetera. The other day she argued with a resident because he ordered precautionary Hep C/HIV tests before starting him on a medicine that compromises the immune system (since these diseases already compromise the immune system). She didn't understand why this resident would order these tests for "such a nice man." Uh, whoa. First, it is just precautionary and a prudent thing to do for both the patient and the doctor. Second, having HIV or Hep C does not make someone any less of a nice person. If you have any experience in the health field (which she does), you would know that there are all sorts of people from all demographics and in all stages of life that have these diseases for one reason or another. How are these people nurses?
Clerk A
Clerk A is quite quirky. She visits frequently in the residents' room because she makes frequent trips to the bathroom, and the ghetto bathroom key (which resembles a bathroom key from a truck stop since it has a large wooden block attached to it) is in the room. During these visits, she usually complains about Nurse X, often remarking that she grew in Spanish Harlem and could hire someone to kill Nurse X. In fact, there have been several instances where she alluded to her connections in Spanish Harlem. There are also usually mini lectures on how to be successful in life. Great stuff.
Medical Assistant B
Medical Assistant B is a Jamaican gentleman who does varying jobs around the clinic. He usually does these things while singing random songs at the top of his lungs. He doesn't talk much other than to directly and gruffly ask questions or to gripe. Usually, these gripes don't make a lot of sense and often are regarding something that would have already been addressed with him, but like Nurse X he likes to repeat himself over and over and over.
Doctor N
Doctor N is an attending. He is fairly elderly and has worked at this clinic for many years. He has been semi-retired for quite some time. He works one day out of the week, and it takes some getting used to his style. Example: he will arrive at the clinic and bust into the patient rooms. He will subsequently start barking at the resident or the patient at very loud volumes because the majority of the time he has his iPod on and his earphones in his ears. He, like Nurse X, has some problems with being politically correct. There are numerous stories that attest to this fact. 1) He recently walked into a room where a resident was seeing two teenage albino patients. He walked in, look around, loudly stated "there are albinos in here!" and then walked out. 2) He came into a colleague's room while he was seeing another patient who had a condition that is rarely and softly associated with HIV. He wrote HIV down on the paper bed cover, pointed at it, and whispered quite loudly, "The patient has this." Needless to say, this patient did not return to the clinic. He has many other humorous habits that cannot be described in this blog. Afterall, it's hypothetical, right?
Oh, and speaking of the albinos...Nurse X, who has been in dermatology for 30 some odd years, asked one of the residents the other day why black women are adopting white children. This came, mind you, after the family with the albino children had left the clinic. I will let you piece that together.
Nurse Z
Nurse Z is pretty friendly and isn't so bad. She is just kind of random, and her broken English is hard to understand. When introducing someone, she might remark with "This is Dr. So-in-So. She sometimes doens't wear earings." Ooo-kay.
Guys, there are so many other great characters in this hypothetical clinic that there is just too much to write. And frankly, it probably isn't wise to divulge most of it in a public, written forum. But there you have it. Just a taste. If I can think of some more, I will certainly add them in there.
I have many more things to write about, but I obviously can't do it all in one sitting. Again, sorry to be such a naughty unreliable blogger. I will be better in the future. Cross my heart...
Nurse Y
Nurse Y is extremely talented. Oh yes. Very, very talented. What is her talent, you may ask? She has a unique ability to walk into a patient room when the resdient has JUST finished and ask if she can help. How she is able to do this, I am not sure. She also likes to ask questions that are impossible to answer. Examples: "Doctor, how many patients do you think will show up today?" Not sure. "Doctor, is the other doctor done with his procedure in the other room?" Couldn't tell you. Etcetera. The other day she argued with a resident because he ordered precautionary Hep C/HIV tests before starting him on a medicine that compromises the immune system (since these diseases already compromise the immune system). She didn't understand why this resident would order these tests for "such a nice man." Uh, whoa. First, it is just precautionary and a prudent thing to do for both the patient and the doctor. Second, having HIV or Hep C does not make someone any less of a nice person. If you have any experience in the health field (which she does), you would know that there are all sorts of people from all demographics and in all stages of life that have these diseases for one reason or another. How are these people nurses?
Clerk A
Clerk A is quite quirky. She visits frequently in the residents' room because she makes frequent trips to the bathroom, and the ghetto bathroom key (which resembles a bathroom key from a truck stop since it has a large wooden block attached to it) is in the room. During these visits, she usually complains about Nurse X, often remarking that she grew in Spanish Harlem and could hire someone to kill Nurse X. In fact, there have been several instances where she alluded to her connections in Spanish Harlem. There are also usually mini lectures on how to be successful in life. Great stuff.
Medical Assistant B
Medical Assistant B is a Jamaican gentleman who does varying jobs around the clinic. He usually does these things while singing random songs at the top of his lungs. He doesn't talk much other than to directly and gruffly ask questions or to gripe. Usually, these gripes don't make a lot of sense and often are regarding something that would have already been addressed with him, but like Nurse X he likes to repeat himself over and over and over.
Doctor N
Doctor N is an attending. He is fairly elderly and has worked at this clinic for many years. He has been semi-retired for quite some time. He works one day out of the week, and it takes some getting used to his style. Example: he will arrive at the clinic and bust into the patient rooms. He will subsequently start barking at the resident or the patient at very loud volumes because the majority of the time he has his iPod on and his earphones in his ears. He, like Nurse X, has some problems with being politically correct. There are numerous stories that attest to this fact. 1) He recently walked into a room where a resident was seeing two teenage albino patients. He walked in, look around, loudly stated "there are albinos in here!" and then walked out. 2) He came into a colleague's room while he was seeing another patient who had a condition that is rarely and softly associated with HIV. He wrote HIV down on the paper bed cover, pointed at it, and whispered quite loudly, "The patient has this." Needless to say, this patient did not return to the clinic. He has many other humorous habits that cannot be described in this blog. Afterall, it's hypothetical, right?
Oh, and speaking of the albinos...Nurse X, who has been in dermatology for 30 some odd years, asked one of the residents the other day why black women are adopting white children. This came, mind you, after the family with the albino children had left the clinic. I will let you piece that together.
Nurse Z
Nurse Z is pretty friendly and isn't so bad. She is just kind of random, and her broken English is hard to understand. When introducing someone, she might remark with "This is Dr. So-in-So. She sometimes doens't wear earings." Ooo-kay.
Guys, there are so many other great characters in this hypothetical clinic that there is just too much to write. And frankly, it probably isn't wise to divulge most of it in a public, written forum. But there you have it. Just a taste. If I can think of some more, I will certainly add them in there.
I have many more things to write about, but I obviously can't do it all in one sitting. Again, sorry to be such a naughty unreliable blogger. I will be better in the future. Cross my heart...
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